Sue Everyone!

I’VE had a gutful of being ugly.

So, I’m going to have to sue my parents.

I mean neither of them are what you’d call unattractive, my sister’s not a bad sort, my brother doesn’t break too many mirrors, but me, I got hit with the stick pretty bad.

So what happened?

There was obviously some form of carelessness in the genetic transfer process, which clearly wasn’t my fault, so someone has to pay. 

With pain and suffering, denied opportunities, lost earnings, emotional scarring – I’m probably looking at half a million. 

Sorry dad, but what other options do I have?

And don’t worry, I’m not just singling you out.

In 1972 I copped a black eye from a lucky punch in an after-school back-lane fight with Garth Harborne. 

More pain and suffering, more emotional scarring and given the outcome of a similar case recently I’m going to hit the education department for a million.

The fact the fight occurred in a council-owned and maintained lane means the council’s going to have to cough up as well.

Given that back lanes were the preferred venue for after-school pugilism, council should have been fully aware of this and thus monitored such venues to ensure participants in these after-school fights were not harmed in any way, shape or form 

There’s probably another million in that.

It should be noted that Garth and I are still friends and I hold him in no way responsible for my obvious trauma.

In 1976 I was caned across the backside by my boarding school house-master, a former French Open tennis doubles winner – that’s got to be worth two or three hundred grand.

In 1980, myself and four boarding school mates were suspended from school for 32 days for what could only be described as a harmless prank.

The detrimental effect on my HSC score is hard to measure but another million ought to cover it.

During my time in the workforce, and through no fault of my own, I have been retrenched by British Petroleum, TNT, Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch.

Now these people have some serious coin so I think two million each should help in some way to erase the deep mental scarring I have suffered as a result of their callous actions.

That will give me upwards of $12million which will allow me to pursue further suits such as tracking down the person who introduced me to Bundaberg Rum on the North West Mail train in 1977.

Ooohh, that’s going to cost someone plenty.

And I’m also going to have a big crack at Billy Ray Cyrus – I can’t let him get away with Achey Breaky Heart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s all a big joke but the sad thing is that it isn’t.

Precedent suggests I would have a reasonable chance of winning some of these ridiculous cases.

Yep, the world’s gone mad, no one’s responsible for their actions anymore and the rest of us are paying for it.

Could somebody please fix it up in a hurry.

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